August 22, 2017


as many of you know i have been battling depression for a few years now. Well in the past year the "battle", has turned into co-existing.
In light of Chester Bennington`s suicide i decided to write this post in hope of helping people understand what depression feels like and hopefully help someone.

What is like to have depression?

The easiest way i could describe depression to people who don`t suffer from it is as follows.
Imagine you haven`t been on a vacation for a long time you pick a sunny destination and get prepared to have the time of your life. As soon as you put your beach towel on the sand you see thunderstorm coming and you can`t help it but get back home and wait for the storm to end, but it does not end, it thunders roar and lightnings separate the dark sky. A day goes by and the storm does not calm, then another, on the third day you see a glimpse of the sun behind the clouds but at the next second its hidden behind clouds, again. The first two or three days you do not tell anyone about the bad weather, next few days you try to say something, but your voice is silent. After all you are on a vacation in a sunny place, then you make a decision - to stay and fight the bad weather, seek help or leave. The last option is the hardest, decision. 
So what do i mean by this little allegory.
It is simple the sunny destination is life with happiness in it. At some point you hit a bad weather - and the best way to describe depression is bad weather. Why? 
Because the sky is dark, the thunders are the bad things and lighting are our thoughts. The follow one another.
Depression is not just phase. Depression is not something you can get over easy. There are many triggers to unlock a bad episode of depression, as with any other illness depression has spike episodes and they could be fatal, and it needs treatment and involvement. Depression has no age limit, young and old suffer from it. 
The fight with depression is not easy - some days you wake up and you are already tired, you lack basic happiness, appetite. Other days you wake up and you start your day okay, then make plans or schedules and by lunch you lose that motivation. Lack of motivation is also big issue, because you don`t feel like doing anything. We don`t have the "energy" to go out, take a shower, brush our teeth and more... Basically simple daily tasks such as - making your bed turn into small daily tortures. You say to yourself " i`m not going out today so i won`t brush my hair" and you don`t.... We are not lazy, we just don`t have the motivation to do it.
The glimpse of sun are the good days, when you are feeling okay, not good but okay. Days that start well, or days when something good happens and it actually makes you happy, but they are rare and don`t last long.
People suffering from depression rarely talk about it, because they often feel misunderstood by others. Once they talk they get ridiculed, people will joke about it and say that this is just a sad phase and not depression. And this is the scariest thing, depression is looked at like it is weakness or a phase, and the people with depression close up for the world, they don`t talk about it. And sometimes this leads to suicide. Not being heard while suffering is the cruelest thing you could probably suffer from. So what can you do?
Well, one simple step is to ask if they are really okay, if you can help this person. You can even call your local suicide prevention line ask for advice. Try to say words like " i listen to you", "Can i help you", "Will you explain more" simple sentences that could save a life.
A great example of discarding someone`s "cry" for help is this interview:

You can see the interviewer being completely dismissive of what Chester is saying and he is even laughing thinking it is a joke. Sadly, a lot of people have similar reaction to such statements so people with depression tend to keep what they are going through to themselves. Going through hell all alone is not easy. Sometimes depression fogs up our clear thinking and in these cases the outcome is suicide. And this decision is scary, what is even scarier is the calmness that it brings. A way out of "hell", as someone that tried killing myself, it is scary to admit the comfort the idea brought. But suicide is not the way out of depression.
What helped me was the strong moral support from my family.  And one of the most powerful quotes i have seen to this day is by Kim Kirkup (mother of a junior who went to a Junior High school where 4 suicides took place). 

"The sad thing is, Kirkup said, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It just passes it on to someone else.”

My reading of this quotes is simple. You might think that you are all alone in this world but somewhere, someone in this world cares deeply about you. No matter what you think, the pain gets passed on to this person who can`t help but wonder if they could have done something to prevent it. And as depression sufferer you don`t want to doom someone to the struggle you had. Think twice before saying your life is not worth it. Because to someone it is worth than you can imagine. There is a way out, and a way to cope with depression. A simple step is to accept it and be vocal about it, seek help.

PSA: If you know someone, or you yourself suffer from depression, please. Please, seek help, you can call your national/local suicide prevention line and seek help. Talk to people who will understand.

i really hope that this post will help someone, that it will help people understand depression and they will treat it like a serious condition, which is life threatening.

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